You write clearly and persuasively about the dilemma you and your daughter faced last year. She sounds like quite a kid! Glad you have moved her to a new school and a new beginning. Finding schools--and working with administration as much as you can--to have teachers accommodate your family’s values and circumstances is an important part of being a parent these days. Except in very small communities, choices are out there, but families still have to work too hard to get the best possible match.
With the onset of public school, many parents select and chauffeur their children to countless after-school activities, and do this for years. The challenges of child-advocacy with teachers and administrators mean that parents find it difficult to expend these same energies around our child’s school-day education. But it is essential that they do so. Just as teachers need to build family-school relations from day one, parents do too. The work to build a positive relationship with educators at the beginning of the year is worth it in terms of your child’s improved chances at wellbeing.
If your child is having a difficult year—and too many difficult years come down to personality conflicts between the teacher and the child—begin working with teachers and administrators right away to document problems and work for resolutions. Concerning next year, begin in mid-winter talking with principals in friendly but pointed ways about the teacher that your child—because of the documented difficulties—needs. (Even if you are told parents cannot request placements, principals don’t want TWO years of having to deal with upset family members.)
Many of us recall situations where a child had a difficult year at school one year and a much better year the next. First, this substantiates that, just as there are the other kind, there are good teachers out there. A good teacher literally can be a life-saver. Second, this is testimony to the fact that with family support most children can be resilient.
Recognizing there are few easy answers, as Anonymous thoroughly articulates here, I hope for a good placement and resiliency for your child as she begins a new year at school.

Anonymous,
Guess I have more questions that answers about this situation. Will need some more information. What is happening in the classroom when you approach her? When does she start crying and when does she not start crying if you approach her? Does she have this reaction to other adults too? Maybe talk a bit about why you think the crying turns into screaming. How long has she been in your program? What else can you say about the child and her family life that might help in working with her. If you can provide some of this information, I'd be happy to reply. Seems like you are right to be concerned about her.

Dan

From a guidance perspective teachers don’t want to find ways to “discipline their groups” so much as ways to adapt to and work with their groups’ energy levels. Without knowing more about your particular situation, I am going put several ideas out there. Some perhaps will fit your situation, some not. My intent here as much as anything is to encourage you three staff to open some new doors on the programming you provide.

My first thought is that three-year-olds are “over active” in a program that does not allow for the full expression of their energy and “very active” in a program that is active enough for them. Maybe even more additional physical activity, not just to get them tired enough for seat and circle activities, but physical activity integrated with teaching/ learning activities throughout the day, would help. Curriculum ideas and models for integrating movement and teaching are given in the March 2008 Guidance Matters column, “Promote Physical Activity: It’s Proactive Guidance.” (Go to www.naeyc.org/yc/columns/guidance).

Guess I would suggest reading and discussing Frances Carlson’s new book, BIG BODY PLAY, put out by NAEYC. In her book Carlson recommends rough and tumble play, which is play wrestling. I am not sure if this is what you mean by fighting. If you have a child or two who gets easily upset during play wrestling and starts hurting others, well Carlson has suggestions for this kind of situation too. The three staff are probably going to need to wear sweats, etc, to keep up with the kids for this approach to work—maybe you could rotate this task or one adult who is really active can anchor this part of the day. (No pun intended.) Staff may find that the super active program is a good way for them to get/stay in shape.

Outdoors tends to be less constraining for active kids. Maybe have quieter options for children as well as active ones for outside, like colored chalk on sidewalks, water painting sides of buildings, even favorite books in the shade. Eating picnic snacks is another option. Bubbles, balloons, sprinklers, and walks to parks are other outdoor ideas. Personally, during warm weather, I would hardly come in at all. To the extent your facilities allow, make your program like summer camp. Adapt as necessary to keep this active programming going in the winter. The children will all be older at that point and probably less tiggerish.

Indoors, to bring variety to the daily schedule, perhaps work with a time block where you split into three pairs (strategically), each with an adult. Figure out what more quiet activities each pair likes to do—playdough, water table, duplo, particular books, etc. Sounds like these guys need to be doing things, so I would not try anything like teacher directed, circle-type activities. They can wait a year or more for this sit down stuff. Figure how you can put that energy to work, and work with it.

My observation is that physically active preschoolers stay on task just fine when they hit elementary school. So, an active early childhood education program still readies young children for school--actually, it maximizes brain development by good blood flow and happy hormone secretion. If you can scout around and visit another preschool program that specializes in active programming, this might be something to do. I know it is easy for me to say, but thanks for submitting this question and go for it!

With a dramatic mistaken behavior like screaming, ECE teachers understandably want a strategy that will stop that behavior. Brainstorming with colleagues, as the Reply suggests, is a first step and important to do. But, there is not a magic “stop this behavior” wand, and we can only guide and encourage change in the child, we cannot force a change. So for me, with an individual child like this, my response is pretty consistent. Build the relationship with the child outside of conflict situations. You will learn more about the child and perhaps figure out strategies that, through the relationship, help the child to lower stress levels and behave differently.

Screaming is a form of aggression that is caused by stress. It is either reactive aggression, a manifestation of the brain’s fight or flight reaction in the face of perceived threat. Or, it is instrumental aggression, reactive aggression that has become reinforced in a child’s brain and is used as a strategy—the best defense is offense. Instrumental aggression is particularly bothersome for teachers because it is deliberate; children use instrumental aggression to get what they want. The July 2011 Guidance Matters column on intentional aggression involves screaming and a 15 minute period before the child was able to listen. (Go to www.naeyc.org/yc/columns/guidance). That child is over aged four and her behaviors seem more intentional that the ones I infer from your anecdote, but the teacher’s efforts and thoughts might be worth encountering.

An upcoming Guidance Matters column, planned for the November issue, talks about a 2 plus-year-old who throws child-sized furniture and does some spectacular screaming. Readers will need to wait until November for the full column, but I am going to share the case study now, because it illustrates the comprehensive, relationship-building guidance that Rena used with Harrison. No magic answer here, but notice how Rena develops her intervention strategy in harmony with a growing relationship with Harrison, so working with the child instead of against him.

Harrison was 27 months when he began in the toddler room. After a couple of days, Harrison began to have conflicts just after he arrived. He would not wash hands or come to the breakfast table. When teacher Rena tried to invite him, he worked himself into a rage, yelling the “F” word with his own particular pronunciation and throwing things (including child-sized furniture). As his behavior distressed the other toddlers, Rena had to physically remove him and hold him until he got calm.

When he repeated this behavior over the next couple of days, Rena talked with Betty, his young mom, having met her only a few days before. Rena mentioned she enjoyed having Harrison in her group. But, he was having a problem especially after he arrived that she wanted to help him with. Betty shared that the house was small and the activity of some family members often kept Harrison from settling down and getting to sleep until late. Rena concluded that the toddler was showing lack of a sleep routine, and the reasons for it, in his behavior.

Rena decided on a strategy. She approached Harrison in a low-key way and gave him a choice of getting ready for breakfast or snuggling. He usually chose snuggling and occasionally fell asleep. During the day, Rena also gave him choices, this activity or another. He began making the choices, and participated more. The two assistant teachers and Rena also sought out one-on-one snuggling contact talks with him throughout each day.

Over that month, Rena also developed a relationship with Betty, and Mom disclosed a bit more about the home situation. Rena learned that poverty and cultural factors were impacting especially male members of the family. Rena worked to get the family enrolled in early Head Start, but there was a waiting list.

Sometimes Harrison ate breakfast late and not much, but he started eating. It took a while, but Harrison gradually accepted the routine. Rena remained open to the need for a morning snuggle, but Harrison got so he needed the closeness-on-arrival only sometimes. The staff decided that while they could not change Harrison’s home environment, they could make him feel safe and welcome, and keep positive relations with the mother.

For additional assistance with the child that Anonymous wrote about, Anon. might look over some of the other chat discussions as well.

Why was the child screaming in the first place? Can you identify a trigger or is it so random you never know when it is going to happen? Can you change the environment/routine to avoid the triggers? Does this child have enough communication ability that you can talk with him about screaming, why he does it, and what the rule/expectation (and consequence) is in your class? Once the child is in meltdown stage, teaching time has ended.

It sounds like the behavior change was sudden, which makes me think there are new physical and/or environmental factors operating in your daughter’s life. Think this possibility should be investigated. Having the blood sugar test is an excellent idea. Talking with the family physician about the blood sugar test and other physical possibilities is important--seems like a few different health factors might be investigated. Likewise, if you haven’t thoroughly talked with last year’s teacher about any behavior change noticed in the classroom, you might do this. There might be other school resources that would be helpful as well.

Your family might also think about any recent large changes to your daughter's life circumstances—traumatic events, moving, separation/divorce, new baby, death in the family, change in a parent’s work schedule, etc. At six years, big changes like this could have a profound effect on a child. Also, rule out the possibility of someone the child knows having an inappropriate relationship with her. Probably not, but it happens.

If physical/health causes are not involved, consider a mental health assessment for your daughter. Something has changed in your child’s life, physiologically and/or psychologically. As with any pattern of serious, atypical behavior that continues over time, caregivers—both parents and teachers—need to expand their resources in order to help the child get the problems resolved. For all us adults, to go outside the classroom or the family is a difficult step, but perhaps wise one to take. Parents and teachers alike are to be supported when they do so. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Have you tested her blood sugar? My friend that teaches 1st grade had a student with similar issues and over the summer he was diagnosed with diabetes. That under control, he was a different child in second grade.

Your concern for this little guy deserves recognition and support, to your credit Cid. Here’s my take. When a child shows behaviors that are extreme and continue over time, he (in this case) has deep unmet needs. From the way it sounds the little guy has a brain that is atypically wired and is processing incoming information atypically. It is so hard to know how to parent and teach kids like this, who have to deal with probably neurological and understandable environmental hurdles in their young lives.

By way of support for you I will say this, the more serious the conflicts surrounding a child, the more comprehensive the guidance for that child needs to be, and the more people need to be involved. The pattern of behavior that you describe is not one that you, fellow staff, and the family should be dealing with alone. Without additional resources and assistance, your program cannot do what you want it to do for this child. Sounds to me that to stay in your program, the child does need a shadow adult--not you, but someone hired and trained to do this.

If the child has not had special education screening and assessment, he should have this. Work with the family to get their consent, then use your program resources with early childhood special education/early intervention services of the school district to get the screening and assessment done. There may be local parent advocacy groups like PACER who can give support regarding assessment and obtaining services. Special education staff of a local Head Start also may be helpful—a minimum of 10% of children served by Head Start need to have special needs—at no cost to the family. Your program may be a Head Start, but if not, with the family’s permission, investigate this potential resource.

If the child is assessed as having a disability, a meeting of school personnel, the family, and others the family invites (like you) can attend. A plan will be developed and formalized for services to the child. If the recommended services are not what you and the family hoped for, again a group like PACER might provide advocacy.

It sounds to me that for the wellbeing of the child, the other children, and the staff, this guy needs a full-time adult caregiver for as much as possible of the classroom day. Strategies like a visual daily schedule, suggested by Anonymous, then will be fully helpful.

One other note, these behavior patterns are serious enough that if you have to get firm with the parents about increasing the level of services for the child, you have every right to do so. Hopefully, the relationship you already have with them will not make increased directness necessary, but you do have this right and, for the wellbeing of all, perhaps the obligation. Hat is off to you for accepting the challenge of challenging behavior. Clear that this little guy means a lot to you.

Does he have good requesting skills? In good moments practice making choices. Help transitions by using a visual schedule (lot's of reinforcements for following the schedule.) Start small (only require 1 or 2 transitions) then work up.

If some body-related habits like picking one’s nose are not particularly noticeable, the moralistic thing is to say something, but the ethical thing may be to ignor the behavior. It is hard for adults to intervene in these situations and get the righteous behavior they might want.

Sounds like the steps you have taken are the reasonable ones. Glad you spoke with the family, and learned something from that exchange. I am inferring that the family did not get moralistic about the behavior, as you yourself seem not to be doing.

In this case, though, the self stimulating behavior has become noticeable, so in my view you probably do need to do more. I am going to take the easy way out on this one and pick up on your comment that perhaps the behavior she is showing is to get attention. From my perspective kids who ask for attention inappropriately are really asking for adult affirmation, for the security of a healthy relationship. The attention seeking behavior is the only way they know to ask. So work on the relationship with the child outside of the concerning situations.

You probably know the child’s activity interests. On a regular basis, help the child get into these activities; then watch, compliment details of what the child is doing, and have informal contact talks (quality one-on-one time) around the activity. Get to know the child better and let her get to know you. Talk with the child about the concerning behavior, but not in a way that will do-in the relationship. When the adult leader gets to be more important to the child than the self-stimulating behavior, the behavior should diminish.

If not, in the long run when she gets a little older, a knowing peer is going to confront her about the behavior. While our goal is to make this experience unnecessary, mid-childhood peers have a way of correcting body habits like this in an instant. As with all of my replies, I invite thoughts and suggestions from others. Thanks for submitting it.

Guidance ideas are less complicated to use when staff members are in agreement about using them. If one teacher uses guidance and another teacher or assistant teacher does not, or if there is a mismatch between an administrator’s views and those of classroom personnel, problems arise. So, the goal of a director to get as many on the same page as possible is a forward-looking one. (I have a sideline involving Vinnie and Bubba of No Way Out Services who, for a fee, can take care of the other staff. What Dear?....Oh Vinnie and Bubba are indisposed. Never mind.)

A first suggestion in building acceptance of guidance ideas is to get together a core group who are comfortable with guidance, as both a support base and action committee. Even if this is one other person and yourself, I would suggest taking this step. (Still, the more representative the task force of the entire program population, the better.)

A second suggestion is to develop a plan for getting others engaged with guidance ideas outside of the classroom. This might involve bringing in someone from the outside whose rates and travel demands aren’t outrageous like mine—fees in of four figures without the decimal point; private plane; nap after every 2 hours of training, supply of a local craft beer in the evening, etc. Work with the outside trainer beforehand to coordinate what will be addressed. Build into your plan a follow-up that you can actually do.

Whether or not you use an outside speaker, I suggest discussing written materials, like a study group. Some programs have used the Minnesota AEYC’s reader friendly guidebook, “Developmentally Appropriate Guidance of Young Children.” (See other Chats for how to review.) Others have looked through the Guidance Matters columns and selected some for discussion.

Here are two thoughts about using reading materials. 1) At the session, divide the materials up so people in pairs or threes have a workable amount of material to cover over a few minutes. Ask each pair or three to select one particular idea from their section that stands out to them. Have them read the sentence or two for the group and share why they selected it. Build group discussions around the pair-shares.

2) Near the end of the session, consider doing the following: a. Have volunteers share with the group one or two ideas each that were new or reinforced for them through the session. No need to discuss; just smile and acknowledge. b. Decide together a follow-up plan that the group will really do.

When the group is ready, one large scale suggestion is to come-up with a program guidance plan. Some programs actually use the MnAEYC “DAG” booklet. They go over it periodically, and use it in orientation of both new staff and parents to the program. In a preschool-public school transition project, one program actually got copies to next year’s kindergarten teachers.

(In adapting any policy statement, don’t just make the declaration that “this is our guide”; get it out for review and discussion. Folks have to feel ownership to own up to the policies.)

Of course, programs might also go organic and develop their own Guidance Guide. There are upsides to do doing this, one being feelings of ownership are built in. If a program does go organic, I suggest getting some outside materials or model guides from elsewhere so people are not reinventing the trike. The downside is it takes a lot of work, including at least a few drafts gotten out to all for review and comment.

Finally, the “DAG” booklet lists and discusses principles, not 101 practices that probably aren’t going to fit situations perfectly anyway. For further reference see the Chat on the Classroom Plan.

Have you ever tasted a dessert or a dish that was so fantastic you kept talking about it? How did you do it? I bet you were excited and animated and used the phrase "you have to try it!"

That's how I describe Gartrell's advice when I'm talking with other parents. I always say, "This helped me so much!"

As Lisa mentioned, biting is something a lot of toddlers try and some become unintentionally reinforced in using. When a few toddlers do it a lot, teachers have major problems on their hands. See the chats on spitting and parent meetings for a reminder about the challenges teachers face here. Often toddlers use powerful behaviors like biting and spitting before they develop spoken language and more nuanced methods of physically getting what they they want. (Smiley face here.)

First, (not that you did, Lisa), but I would not call biting “misbehavior.” “Misbehavior” is not a term that I use. The term that shall go unnamed (except for just now) comes out of the middle-ages and makes adults all moralistic. Their quickly computing brains leap to the following sequence: conflict – misbehavior; consequence – punishment; kid who misbehaves – _______ (you fill in the adjective).

Events do not end well for the child who comes out of such a transaction:
•feels stress from the punishment
•feels negatively about self from the punishment
•does not know what to do next time the biting impulse arises
•looks for the kid who got him/her in trouble and is an easy mark
•wonders if there will be the same adrenalin rush next time (which for a while dulls the stress)
What we want to do is teach the toddler not to bite. The stress that comes from punishment of a “misbehavior” makes an alternative harder to learn.

Staying with the big picture just for a bit, kids are better thought of as months-old than years old. They are just beginning to learn high-level skills, like expressing strong emotions in non-hurting ways, skills that even old adults are still work on. In learning high-level skills, all of us, and especially beginners, are going to make mistakes. So, when a kid causes or falls into a conflict, I call that mistaken behavior. For me, a mistake begins with an error in judgment, so mistaken behavior covers the range from accidental to intentional behaviors.

Using biting as an example, at the least serious level of mistaken behavior, children bite as part of the experiment of life. They feel the impulse, their brains haven’t much impulse control yet, and they just do it. At a more serious level, toddlers learn that biting is powerful and it becomes a learned behavior, one they are likely to use again. Sounds like this is the level Lisa is talking about. At the most serious level, toddlers see the world fundamentally as untrustworthy and threatening. They bite as a form of defensive aggression, as a result of deep unmet needs. Biting by most toddlers is at levels one and two, fortunately.

Toddlers who bite a lot have had this behavior unintentionally reinforced as a go-to aggressive impulse. In encouraging classrooms we have the guideline, friendly touches only. So for everyone’s sake, we need to make this behavior stop. This means we have to interrupt the kid’s impulse to intervene, redirect, and teach. For most kids, teething ring necklaces just don’t do it.

I recommend the “going public” approach of a toddler class meeting--which I first heard used at a YWCA child care center in Minneapolis. Here is the anecdote. In group meeting the teachers explained the problem directly but matter of factly. They then taught the whole group what they could do if they felt someone might bite them. In language the toddlers could understand—a language only toddler caregivers are fluent in—they taught the following: If a child comes near and you think they are going bite, hold up a hand and say “stop!”

They had the kids practice the technique. They rehearsed the kids throughout the day. The next day, a child who had been bitten held up her hand and said a recognizable “stop!” The impulse was interrupted for the kid about to bite, and the teachers got over there fast. Much recognition was given to the action, and this assertive, not aggressive, technique got used by other children. The biting dropped off quickly.

Other providers who have tried this technique have told me about the reactions of the kids who were influenced to bite. One would approach a child dramatically, snap his teeth a few times, and run away with a grin. Another child, as a startle reaction to the loud and firm “stop,” would start to cry.

Dreikurs would say these reactions are logical consequences of the mistaken behavior of biting. Seems to me these are way better problems to have than biting. After redirecting the child away from the situation, the providers worked on teaching the children non-hurting communication techniques. As the biting deceased, the providers reported the "stop" reactions grew less. Most was better in toddler land.

In the chat on spitting, I mentioned that some providers teach toddlers a few basic expressions of American sign. Some report decreased frustrations and less mistaken behavior with this way of communicating, a happier group environment. Expressions of American sign are apparently easy to use to express needs before language skills develop—and it may well be the basis of a life-long communication skill.

Lisa, this is maybe more information than you wanted--like all the other replies. But you are clearly looking at biting as mistaken behavior, not the other kind. So please consider this wordage as reinforcement for your caring approach.

For many years, the work of Professor Gary Ladd (Arizona State University) and colleagues has been compelling for me. Across his many studies, Ladd has shown that young children who are rejected by their peers in preschool are likely to have continuing problems with social acceptance and educational success in their K-12 schooling. So, supporting children who are vulnerable for stigma (negative separation from the group) for any reason, but especially their behavior, is just a crucial task for caring teachers. Here are some thoughts about doing that.

1. Make sure all in the group, including other adults, know you care about this child. With no apologies take him or her under your wing. The reason is if others in the group perceive that the teacher doesn’t like a child who has conflicts, they are going to have an easier time rejecting the child. A couple of Dan’s home-grown clichés apply here: a) There is no such thing as a bad kid, only kids with bad problems who cannot solve them on their own. b) Kids who have lots of conflicts are often the hardest to like, but probably need a positive relationship with teachers the most. c) A teacher who is a professional does not have to love every child, but does need to build a positive relationship with each child.

2. Children need positive relationships with adults before they can build relationships with peers. Find times during the day to grow your relationship with the child. These quality one-on-one times, which I call contact talks, have to occur daily, outside of conflict situations. They are not for the purpose of “screeching or preaching,” but getting to know each other better. (They don’t all have to be long.) Though hard to arrange, I am a big advocate for good morning contact talks when the child arrives. Think of these contact talks as “time investments.” (See YC Guidance Matters column, January 2008, on “Comprehensive Guidance.”) They reduce conflicts during (at least some hours of) the day, which makes it easier for other children to include the child. Hot Hades! Fewer conflicts makes it easier for everyone.

3. Structure your program to minimize large groups and maximize small groups. Dynamics are easier for all children in smaller clusters, especially children prone to conflicts. By managing the make-up of the small groups, the teacher can be strategic about who might, with a bit support, get along with this child. (All a kid needs is a couple of peers who will consistently play with him or her to change the cycle of rejection, stress, acting out.) The teacher can also more easily be a quiet advocate for this child in settings other than the large group. (Except for brief, active, interactive, often-musical large groups, large groups should come AFTER, not during, preschool education. Years of practice for them is not needed.)

4. If the child’s conflicts are impacting many and all know it, consider holding a class meeting. The purpose of the meeting is to increase empathy within the group for the child and reduce individual feelings of victimization and so rejection. To bring intentional (but respectful) group attention to a child having conflicts is a tough decision. In POWER OF GUIDANCE (about the only plug for the book), teachers might read over the section beginning on page 1OO on Chapter Seven about class meetings concerning children who have serious conflicts.

5. Get a professional/personal support system going for you. The more together the teaching/administrative team is on supporting this child, the more successful the strategy is going to be and the better the lead teacher is going to feel. Work together to build relations with the family and to secure outside assistance if the child needs it. A personal support system outside of the classroom is crucial too. Crying into one’s beer both dilutes the brew and doesn’t live up to being able to talk to someones you know and trust. Believe me, I know. :-)).

6. Two YC Guidance Matters columns I would suggest are from September 2006, “Build Relationships through Talk” and January 2008, “Comprehensive Guidance,” already mentioned. Just click on the Guidance Matter Column Archive.

Say, the topic of this question sounds like a possible new Guidance Matters column. (This is close to a compliment, ICare.) Anyone who has a “case study” involving support of a child who was vulnerable for rejection, please send it to me. Include all the details. If I can use it, two free copies of YC are in it for you!

If many in the class are spitting, it has become a socially-influenced mistaken behavior--one that has caught on in the group. Before little ones have developed the word power to express emotions, socially-influenced spitting makes for a big impact . The behavior is similar to the motivation in some toddlers for biting and is bothersome, but not quite as serious.

Even with toddlers, I'd recommend a class meeting. There are a couple of approaches you could take. One would be to use puppets--see persona doll chat. Using very simple language, have one "spit" at the other and have the other express great sadness. Discuss with the children why the second puppet is sad and relate the role-play to the group. It may be that just this wee bit of collective consciousness raising will help.

During this class meeting or a second, if needed, you could also go another step and directly teach some other behaviors. One possibility is to teach toddlers a sign language gesture, or just to hold up a hand and say the word "stop." They would do this if they are upset or feel like they are likely to be spit upon. The gesture and word may break the impulse and tell the teacher to get over there. Having a bunch of toddlers sticking up their hands up and saying "Stop!" seems to me a better "problem" than the spitting. You would have them practice this response and make a big deal when the first toddlers use it.

Here is a thought for the longer term. Teachers have reported success in teaching toddlers basic expressions in American Sign. Toddlers pick up basic terms faster than many adults. There are articles and materials out there for use of Sign with toddlers. It is easier for many toddlers to learn the gestures for basic words than to put the words into speech. One teacher told me that her toddlers who learned it seem less frustrated in interactions, and are using it at home. (The teacher got materials to parents as well. The parents were amazed.)

Whether teachers go with a single class meeting or do the full production with American sign, as toddlers learn successful communication alternatives that don't get them in trouble, they will learn them. The spitting should fade as a "catchy" behavior. These behaviors generally do fade as toddlers gain speech...and socially influenced mistaken behaviors become the particular words preschoolers choose to use.

Let's begin with a bit of neuroscience! Genes fill two functions in the development of the brain. 1) They form the neurological framework that all humans are born with (but that differs from one individual to the next) and 2) genes serve the plasticity function of building brain mass, largely as a result of experiences during the individual’s life. Louis Cozolino (2006) tells us that 75% of the neuro-structure of the brain forms after birth, which indicates how important environmental experiences, especially early experiences, are. A miracle of life is that the brain transforms life experiences into brain matter, even, and especially, in infants and young children.

By their unique genetic makeup, babies are born with the propensity for different dispositions—open, aloof, affectionate, impulsive, etc. Babies are also born with a high genetic need for positive attachments with their significant caregivers (parents and substitute parents)—so ensuring their survival. Differing dispositions sometimes make infants either easier or more difficult to build healthy attachments with. Babies with atypical dispositions, or other genetic irregularities, sometimes have difficulty responding to affection and other basic attempts by the caregiver to get that attachment going. Sometimes, as well, difficult circumstances in the parent’s life make forming healthy attachments difficult.

So, as a result of genetic and environmental difficulties in either or both the child and adult, some babies and toddlers lose trust in their significant caregivers. They become unresponsive or frequently aggressive. The work of Bowlby and Ainsworth on attachment theory, and the psychologists who came after them, have documented that even very unhealthy attachments can be improved. When early childhood teachers and parent educators work together with families, young children who may have lost a ready need for approval and acknowledgment can be helped to rekindle these needs.

The need for approval and acknowledgement is the natural and healthy state of all young children, though they may not always show these needs exactly as we might like. See the chat on whining for "part 2" of this response. :-)).

Not sure if your plan is already stated out by the district, and you have to display and follow it, or if you can develop your own plan. Hope it is the later, and will reply under this assumption. If posting your own rules is the case, then Cindylee makes a useful suggestion. Her points are steps in social problem solving that can be used with individual children, a couple of kids in conflict, or an entire class that needs to address an issue--steps that can be flexibly applied.

For teachers who can take a pretty pure guidance approach, some sample principles (not practices) follow: A rationale--for the benefit of principals, etc.--for a plan based on principles rather than practices is that young children are not ready for lockstep teacher interventions that they may not understand and react well to. Maybe worth a shot... The principles are based on the premise that "every member of this classroom is a person of worth."

1. We regard conflicts as opportunities for children to learn from, not misbehaviors that children need to be punished for.

2. The consequence for having a conflict is the child needs to learn a better way to handle that conflict…one step at a time.

3. In our classroom we work hard to use friendly words and friendly touches.

4. Harm, embarrassment, and humiliation are not to happen in this classroom.

5. The teacher is firm when needed, but firm and friendly not firm and harsh.

6. When conflicts happen we use social problem solving with individual children, small groups of children, and the whole class.

7. We emphasize guidelines, positive statements like “friendly touches only,” rather than rules, which are often stated in the negative. (Guidelines make the teacher a leader rather than a law enforcer.)

8. Teacher-child-family partnerships are the key to healthy social and emotional development.

The booklet, “Developmentally Appropriate Guidance” put out by the Minnesota Association for the Education of Young Children and mentioned in a couple of chats, lists ten principles (not specific practices) some of which might be useful to post and follow. I am the author of DAG, but it was gratis and all proceeds go to MnAEYC.

Could you make the plan basic enough that it does fit? Example: 1. Look at the challenge 2. Create optional solutions 3. Try one. Or 1. Evaluate inappropriate behavior 2. Choose a socially acceptable behavior 3. Practice

Let’s start this one with a case study. (The teacher, Marsha, used one practice in the case study that I might not use, but it helped.) Just four-year-old Priscilla began taking miniature figures home with her. After detecting fewer figures, Marsha gave the departing kids the quick look-over and noticed bulges in Priscilla’s pockets with heads of critters sticking out. She quietly had Marsha empty her pockets, saying, “Priscilla you must be hungry. Today and every day that you don’t have figures, I will give you a hand full of raisins to take with you.” (Priscilla liked raisins; Marsha let the sugar content issue slide for a while.) They got into this routine. Before we get to the part where the other kids noticed, let’s see what else Marsha did.

Marsha did a staffing with her fellow-Head Start colleagues, including the home visitor for Priscilla. They determined the following: Priscilla was fifth of seven children. Her dad was a cross-country truck driver and was away a lot. Her mom seemed a bit overwhelmed by life circumstances, not the least of which was caring for seven kids mainly on her own. The home visitor observed that Priscilla was almost an invisible child in her family. The kid Really blended in. The team figured that by taking the figures Priscilla was actually giving herself gifts to feel just a little special.

Marsha and the other staff decided on a plan. They would try the raisins for 10 class days. Each day, the three classroom staff each found a few minutes for contact talks (one-on-one quality time) with Priscilla. They knew Priscilla loved books and did a lot of lap technique reading with her. The home visitor and Mom decided that an older sister would read to Priscilla every night at bedtime. Mom’s first language was not English and staff guessed she was a non-reader in English.) The home visitor worked with the older sister (who wanted to be a teacher) on this and got her a supply of books, among them Priscilla’s favorites.

At Head Start, th other kids noticed the raisins and asked the “universal deprived kid question,” “How come she gets some?” At a class meeting, staff explained explained they were working on a special kid project with Priscilla. (They did not say what.) The teachers added that if other children wanted to work on a special project too, to ask for some raisins at the end of the day. No one else knew about Priscilla giving herself presents. The kids did ask for raisins until most of them, like Priscilla, got tired of them. Priscilla stopped taking figures home.

Several Kids?
If several kids are involved in taking things, this has become a socially influenced mistaken behavior. If you know who is giving themselves presents, step up your relationship with these kids outside of the conflict situation--so they know you better and you know them better. Maybe talk about the taking, but in ways that don’t cause “relationship relapse.”

If taking things is pretty apparent to the group, I suggest that staff plan and hold a class meeting. Set it up so no names will be mentioned. One approach is for two teachers to do a short puppet play. One sock puppets sets down his pencil and the other takes it. The first puppet becomes very sad. Break for discussion. Ask the group how the second puppet can make the first one feel better. Resume the play. Then discuss the issue.

Or, the teachers could use the five-finger formula for social problem solving to form an informal agenda for the class meeting. You can assign the fingers:

1. Set the scene. Get everyone calm and ready for a respectful discussion.

2. Have children help you identify the problem. Not moralistically, just factually.

3. Get the children to brainstorm solutions to the problem. The children may get righteous in their suggested resolutions. Rephrase them as positively as you can.

4. Together, decide on a solution and a plan for implementing it. Go for it.

5. Monitor the solution and follow-up quietly with children you know who may be giving themselves presents.

Keep quietly focused on the kids who have been doing the taking, with regular contact talks and a friendly relationship. A positive relationship does make a difference! (Positive relationships, though, take more than "catch them being good"--which to me is an unhelpful cliche. From my perspective, tell parents only if they can handled the matter without going ballistic.

In relation to conflict mediation—when the conflict of a couple of kids is escalating--I talk more about the five-finger formula in the March 2006 Guidance Matters column. This column is condensed in a reader-friendly form in a recent issue of TEACHING YOUNG CHILDREN, which I am hoping a staff person can post a location for.

Teachers also use the five-finger formula informally in Guidance Talks—when an individual child has fallen into a conflict—and, as mentioned, informally in class meetings. In whatever format, the first step is the most critical. Calm everyone first, yourself too. The formula does not have to be used perfectly to work, and it will work pretty consistently with practice. Try it, you may like it.

Hope this helps, Sangeeta.

There is a view out there that if members of a particular ethnic group use practices like shaming, physical punishment, or respecting father figures more than mother-figures, then ECE programs serving these kids must condone these beliefs, maybe even follow these practices. To me, this view is misguided and mistaken, when these practices run counter to principles of an encouraging classroom.

An encouraging classroom is a place where all community members are valued, where all members want to be. As such, encouraging classrooms totally respect the universal constant in democratic life, the worth of each member. That is why encouraging classrooms have live-by guidelines like:
•Friendly touches only.
•Friendly words only.

For me, to respect cultural diversity means to appreciate the history, heritage, and values of every family in the class, whatever their makeup and particular ethnic affiliation. BUT, in the classroom, providers are under no obligation to condone specific actions that might harm any community member. So, teachers work hard to be inclusive of children whose families celebrate Christmas on January 7th, or celebrate holidays other than Christmas, or celebrate holidays not at all, or pray five times a day. But they take a stand against any practice that is hurtful to any member of the class, including practices that might be common among members of an ethnic group. Like making fun of a person from a different religion or shaming a child who has caused a conflict.

When using leadership to prevent oppression, in order to reduce putting the child in a marginal status between home and school, the teacher avoids judgmental words and actions. She or he does NOT say, “You might do that at home, but not in this classroom.” Instead the teacher says, “We have guidelines in our classroom. One is using friendly words only. This is something we all try to do.”

Remember, just because some members of an ethic group use a particular practice at home, other members of that same ethnic group may not. For instance, some Native American families do not celebrate Thanksgiving Day. They view this holiday as perpetuating myths about the historic relations of Europeans and indigenous peoples. Others do, such as an Ojibwe student who once explained to our class that her family celebrates Thanksgiving; one of the things they celebrate is having their own family culture!

So, who of an ethnic group owns or disowns a particular practice like shaming? Right from the beginning of the program, getting to know individual families is key to teachers in figuring out this cultural puzzle. Right at the beginning, as well, teachers should make the classroom principle of mutual respect known to every family. Let them know that it is important for children to learn mutual-respect while they are young, and it will be practiced every day.

Likewise, classroom volunteers and new staff, of whatever ethnic background and of whatever family culture, should be oriented to this principle. “In our classroom we show respect even to children facing difficult circumstances who have frequent conflicts.” “We are firm when we need to be to prevent harm, but firm and friendly, not firm and harsh.” “’Friendly words only’ is a goal in this classroom for adults as well as children.” “We all make mistakes, we just need to learn from them.” “We follow these principles and practice these guidelines with the children in order to continue to build our democratic (lower case “d”) society.”

Meeting with parents around hurting behavior in a classroom is one of the most challenging parts of the caregiver’s job. Being a professor, I’ve got to start this discussion the way many would, at the beginning. Then we will talk about having a meeting.

As indicated in the YC Guidance Matters column of January 2008, “Comprehensive Guidance,” the teacher builds relationships with parents right from the very first contact. Biggest duh question of the chat is this: “if a child falls and breaks a wrist in January, would you rather have this be your first meaningful contact with the parents or would you prefer to have built a good relationship with them from the very first day?” Families who know you are going to come into a meeting about hurting behavior in your classroom with a different perspective than parents who don’t know you.

Another important first step, I believe, is to have a clearly spelled out guidance policy, summarized in a guidebook (like the one put out by MnAEYC mentioned elsewhere, or your own organic one). My suggestion is to go over the guidebook with all families in a “Greeting Meeting” at the beginning of the year—and with new hires. Existing staff might develop and review the guidebook periodically, so all are on the same page with it. Needless to say, the guidebook should be about using Guidance or “good guidance”: “teaching children to solve their problems rather than punishing children for having problems they haven’t learned yet how to solve.”

As to the meeting, if it is one or two families only whose children have been hurt, consider meeting with them individually. If many families are involved, consider holding a general meeting. In either case, be sure to contact in advance the family of the child who has been hurting others and let them know. Emphasize the privacy policy—this is important--and discuss the matter with them.

With one or two families, I personally would not invite the family of the child causing conflicts to attend. With a general meeting, I think you should not try to prevent the family from attending. It would be their right to attend, though they may choose not to. Help them realize that if they do attend, they may want to speak up, and this would jeopardize privacy considerations you are obligated to follow.

In holding the meeting, emphasize throughout that the purpose is to understand the situation and ensure safety. As leader make clear that the meeting is to remain civil and respectful and it is the leader’s job is to keep it that way. Follow a set agenda, perhaps on a flip chart, that clearly allows for family input. Give an upper time limit for the meeting, like an hour, but let families know they can talk more after the hour or make a follow-up appointment. The agenda might have these parts:
1. Purpose of meeting: Civil and Respectful; open discussion within privacy policies
2. Explanation of the situation: Emphasize progress being made.
3. Steps staff are taking, following program policies
4. Input from families, important, see below*
5. Follow-up Steps: Find positives and points of agreement to end on.

*Family members will need to actually share their concerns and observations. This part of the meeting needs to be a dialog so families recognize that their viewpoints are being listened to. One dad’s attitude toward his own child being hurt softened when he recalled at the meeting that he had temper problems when he was a young child at school.

Do your best to be inclusive of the viewpoints of your families, at the same time letting them know that you need to follow program policies. (This is where the Guidebook could come up in.) This step lets families know you are acting as professionals. Emphasize that the unidentified child is making real progress. As ECE teachers, the staff is working for the healthy social-emotional of all children in the group, including children who may be facing difficult life circumstances. Maybe make this point, “It is the goal of the program not to give up on any child. But at the same time, a high priority is to ensure everyone’s safety. This is how we are doing that”

Agree to a follow-up meeting if you think appropriate. You can maybe use this prospect, which is often responsible program procedure, in order to help the family of the child causing conflicts to realize they and you need to work together. Best wishes with this issue; it is a difficulty one for any program. This topic might make a future Guidance Matters column, and that is a compliment to Anonymous.

In addition to the January 2008 Guidance Matters column, I also suggest the January 2011 column, which makes reference to a meeting with families around harm happening in a classroom. Hit the link on the right of the chat page or go to www.naeyc.org/yc/columns/guidance

My goodness, it is important to pick up and hold babies whenever they need this. Babies need unconditional touches, holding, and cuddling to develop in healthy ways, all day, every day. Even I, a generic ECE guy, know this. I think of the wonderful infant-toddler caregivers I have worked with. They pick-up, hold, and cuddle babies, then put them get down to explore the environment until the babies return. This balance of warm, physical re-assurance/physical care along with nudging toward independence is called “the dance.” This means that adults attune themselves to the rhythms of the infant and when the two click, they are in pretty good harmony. (A “song and dance,” in the good sense.)

Maybe staff are saying that you shouldn’t pick up and hold infants too much? Caregivers at all levels need to balance the two sets of needs in every individual, for safety and for growth. Overuse of cuddling and holding can prevent babies from exploring their environments and give them the message that the world is dangerous and not to be explored. The giving comfort/nudge-to-explore balance is different for each little one, but caregivers need to keep that balance so the healthy dance, and healthy development, can continue.

Another way to say this is that babies need the unconditional acceptance of warm physical touch to keep their stress levels low and trust levels high, so they can explore and do the learning they need to do. I suggest you consider talking with the staff more, and ask if they mean too much holding or “not at all.” Some programs use the guideline of giving hugs and cuddles only when the child so requests. Preschooler may be easier to read in this request than babies are. I think most experts would agree that too much holding is better for babies than not enough.

It is important at all levels that teachers be true to themselves, be the worthy humans they want to be. A tough balance, especially in this day and age, is taking or keeping that job when how you see yourself working with children is challenged. It is important to make perceived differences workable by ongoing communication, right from the beginning of a new job. Quietly, and as a professional, if fellow-floor staff see things way different than you, you might talk with a supervisor.

If the entire program policy has different priorities than your own professional principles, you may have to look for another job. About a year ago, I got an email from a recent ECE graduate who told me she was in her third child care program in three months. This third one believed in developmentally appropriate practice and guidance as she did, and she was finally a happy camp counselor. (Maybe don't leave the present one until you have the new one. Practical consideration.)

Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, nationally known as the “Baby Dr.,” has many good materials for infant/toddler caregivers. He has particular thoughts about “spoiling,” which many believe cannot happen before about nine months. NAEYC’s book, DEVELOPMENTALLY APPROPRIATE PRACTICE IN PROGRAMS SERVING YOUNG CHILDREN AGES BIRTH TO EIGHT, has a wealth of information about caring for infants. It is the standard in the field and all programs should have and consult copies. Helpful articles on caregiving with babies are also found in issues of YOUNG CHILDREN. Check them out, and good luck

Thank you for the question! We believe the publication you are referring to is the Minnesota Association for the Education of Young Children (MnAEYC) booklet “Developmentally Appropriate Guidance of Young Children.” It is in its 5th edition. To order a copy, please contact MnAEYC directly. Visit the web at www.mnaeyc-mnsaca.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=5 or call 651-646-8689.

Whining is one of those attention getters that is really a request by a child for a connection with an adult. The child just doesn't know how else to ask for a solid relationship. Insecurity commonly is behind the request, and also commonly this behavior really bugs some teachers.

My first suggestion is to figure out how to build the relationship with the child. Find some moments a few times a day to talk while the child is doing an activity, like reading a book together. Use your smarts about when and how to do this. Use private encouragement and work to build the child’s confidence. Talk matter of factly about whining with the child. Teach what the child can say instead and even what kind of voice to use.

A second suggestion is this: One advantage of getting BIG BODY ACTIVITY (Carlson, 2011) into programs is it builds confidence in children about their bodies. Running climbing, tumbling, and even play wrestling helps children realize what they can do, not just think they can’t without a teacher’s help. With accomplishments in physical activity comes confidence, and the need for whining decreases.

A January 2007 YC Guidance Matters column talks about a related behavior, “Tattling, It Drives Teachers Bonkers.” Teachers might pick up some tips about whining from that column. Also, the March 2008 column, "Physical Activity: It's Proactive Guidance" might provide some food for thought. (Carrot sticks not Twinkies.)