Skill 6: Taking on Challenges
Ellen Galinsky responded to questions and comments during an online event from November 7–11, 2011. Read the questions and her responses below!
In my book Mind in the Making I describe seven essential life skills that will help children reach their full potential. Skill 6—Taking on Challenges—describes how children who can take on challenges instead of avoiding or simply coping with them will do better in school and life. As teachers, how can we help children move from simply coping with stress to teaching them to take on challenges?
Megan Gunnar of the University of Minnesota, a researcher who has studied stress and coping, says that a childhood that has no stress in it wouldn’t prepare children for adulthood. If we never allow children to exceed what they think they can do, she says, how are they going to learn to manage adult life?
This is easier said than done. What do we do when a child wants to go on a high slide but is accident-prone? How do we help the child who is timid and shy and seems to wilt when there are new people to meet or places to go? How do we as teachers help children of different ages and with different temperaments cope with these everyday challenges?
What about the children who face more severe stress? A review of the research on children and stress by the National Scientific Council on the Developing Child, directed by Jack P. Shonkoff of Harvard University, has concluded that it’s not so much the nature of the severe stress that affects children, but how long it lasts, and whether there are supportive adults in the child’s life “who create safe environments that help children learn to cope with and recover from major adverse experiences.” As teachers, what can we do to create those safe environments that help children cope with and recover from stress?
I believe we need to do more than help children cope with stress. Ultimately, children need to learn to be proactive when difficulties arise. I have found many strategies that work in helping children learn this skill in the years I have spent writing Mind in the Making. Please share your questions with me and together we will seek answers. When we help children learn how to take on challenges, we are giving them a gift for life!
— Ellen Galinsky
Comments
Thanks to all who took place in this Q&A
It has been wonderful to connect with each of you over the past week. I think of Mind in the Making as a journey and I look forward to continuing this journey with you. Please continue to be in touch.
Ellen
infant motor development
I have high regard for your stated belief "that infants and toddlers are driven to understand and master their own experiences. Much of children’s early behaviors – twisting until they can turn over on their own, scooting across the floor until they can crawl, grabbing onto everything in sight to pull themselves upright until they can stand on their own two legs, babbling until they can say words that others can understand – is fueled by the drive to master the environment. I see this drive as nature’s precursor to goal setting – a drive that we can promote through nurture.” I've witnessed hundreds of young toddlers who've been raised with this nurturing respect for their initiative and they are very focused children able to take perspective of others and show compassion. I'd like to know your opinion on the recommendation I hear that parents in my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes (www.rie.org) receive from their pediatricians to put their very young babies in a prone position as much as possible every day for "tummy time." Repeatedly I'm told the baby's protest tells the parent it is a bad practice so they decline. Doctors are not supporting mastery motivation and the unnecessary stress being perpetrated on the young infant would undermine the nurturing relationship that parents are trying to foster.
Response to Liz
Thanks for your comment and for helping children obtain mastery of their environment.
One of the reasons that I wrote Mind in the Making and that we filmed the actual studies is so that all professionals and parents could take virtual field trips into the science of early learning for themselves, witness the research and then come up with their own strategies for parenting or teaching. It parallels the process we want for children—it is helping adults with mastery and goal setting.
We are working with groups of pediatricians to share Mind in the Making...so hopefully, this knowledge will become more widespread.
Thanks for what you do!
A different girl at school than at home
This concern is about my first grade granddaughter, who is bright, verbal, curious, enthusiastic and engaging at home. I have visited her at school each year since she was in preschool, and I've always seen that she is much more comfortable with adults (even strangers) than she is with other children. Yesterday I went to visit her in her first grade classroom, and she looked uncomfortable and withdrawn, both in the classroom and outside on the playground. She didn't seem to be connecting with the teachers, the other children, or the content. This just broke my heart, because I know a different side to her. At one point when she finished one part of her math, and her teacher asked her to get a "challenge packet", she responded, "I don't like those; they're too hard." Do you have any advice for us? My daughter is also worried about her and wondering what kind of school environment and teacher support might better help her.
Response to Leslie
I have had this situation in my own life and I know how painful it is.
I can't tell from your description what the problem is in her first grade, so mostly I will ask you questions.
What kind of relationship does she have with the teacher--since as you report, she seems to be most comfortable with adults? Can you and/or your daughter talk with the teacher to come up with a plan to make her more comfortable at school?
Does the school include helping children learn to be comfortable with each other? That is an essential part of learning in the early years (and later). Are there ways that her school can help her? And you all can help her too..play dates with a child she seems to like may help.
How are the adults helping the children with "challenge packets?" There should be a range of challenges so that they stretch the kids but are not beyond their capacity.
Ultimately, you want your granddaughter to be in a school that can help her bring her "home self" into school and thrive. That can happen if you work with the school to make the changes she needs at school and that you help her cope.
Perhaps she needs to change teachers. Or if it really gets bad and the school is unwilling to work on it, to change schools.
When I was in your shoes (a teacher didn't appreciate my child's creative and exuberant self), we changed teachers, working with a teacher who adored kids like that. I am still grateful to the school and the teachers for working with us to solve the problem--and both of those teachers are still my grown son's friends.
I love your book. It is my "bible".
Thanks for publishing a great book with exactly the things that we, child care providers have been seeing and thinking for so long. You took the words out of our minds.
Your book should be a must in colleges of Early Childhood Education. Thanks
Response to Anonymous
WOW...thank you so much!!
As I was working on this book, I so hoped it would be useful to people like you. Your words mean the world.
Since I hope that we rethink Early Childhood Education to align it more closely with what we know about how children and adults learn best, I share your hope that Mind in the Making is used in colleges of Early Childhood Education! WOW again and thank you.
Encouraging perfectionists
How do you suggest we work best with children who are perfectionists - children who are used to excelling but are afraid to try new things at which they might not instantly succeed? Of course we need to encourage them to be willing to make mistakes, but that can be difficult to instill, particularly when many things come easily to them. I am looking forward to your insight.
Response to Elizabeth
Great question!
Have the perfectionist child think about learning something (learning to play music or ride a bike). Then think about the process and I am sure the child will see that it didn't come automatically right away...that we have to make mistakes before the skill become natural. In fact, you can say the greatest learning moments come when we CAN learn from our mistakes.
I would also say that you value how much the child wants to do things really well...but it is better to think of doing what Craig Ramey calls your "personal best" than always having to be perfect. When we need to be perfect all of the time, then we sometimes won't try to learn new things.
Carol Dweck of Stanford has had success in helping children adopt a growth mindset by understanding how their brains work. When they are trying and learning new things, they are making new connections in their brains. At first, the brain has lots of connections, but as we learn something, the brain discards those connections that don't prove to be useful. That is called pruning. When children better understand the process of learning, that learning involving trying new and hard things, of making mistakes in order to master something, they may let go of the need to be perfect (which often goes hand in hand with not trying hard things because they want to hold onto the label of being perfect).
how can teachers support children when home is stressful?
How can teachers support children when the home environment is stressful? I am talking about the coping skills a teacher can work on with children during the day at school that might have an impact on the child's life.
Response to Linda
One of the most important lessons from the research on helping children cope with stress and take on challenges is the following: watch what THEY do to help themselves manage, to bring themselves under control in constructive ways. One child may put his head down, another child may step back and watch, etc. When they get stressed, tell them that you have been watching what they do when things get hard and that might be helpful now. Or if the children are very young, put them in an environment that helps them calm down.
As children get older, help them come up with plans to help themselves manage in advance of any problems. My son had a secret phrase he used. The research on stress is clear: if we feel we have some control and support, we are better able to cope with stress and learn to take on challenges.
In these ways, you are building on these children's strengths and helping them learn the process of coping and even being proactive in the face of challenges. This helps all children, no matter how stressful their home lives are.
How Can I Teach My 6-Year Old to Slow Down?
Hi Ellen,
Thank you for taking questions! My question is related to my six-year old daughter. She is in first grade and loves school. However, she struggles with her impulses sometimes, rushing through work to be the first one done, blurting out answers just to call something out (even though they are incorrect), and struggles with patience with herself when she can't figure out a homework problem or even a problem at home. Do you have any suggestions on helping her to learn to slow down and think through things, and especially helping me as a parent teach her how to slow down herself? Thank you.
Response to Lisa
I would play stop/go games with her so that she works on self control. They should be fun and not burdensome. For example, play red light/ green light. Or have her dance and then when you turn around, she has to "freeze." You can play Simon Says, too. Or card games or dominoes where you take turns and you think about your next move. This will give her practice in "not going on automatic" and rushing and I think it will spill over to her school work.
Children also don't think to rush if they are pursuing an interest. So whatever her interests are, help her build on them. You can comment on how she took her time when it didn't feel like "school work," and that is an important skill for her to learn when she works on something she is interested in AND when she works on school work.
Helping young children with special needs take on challenges
In this day and age of outcomes, standards and accountability, how can teachers build opportunities for young children with special needs to develop this essential skill? I realize a lot has to do with our ability to connect and be that supportive adult you describe. However I am also sensing the need for understanding at a metacognitive level that may not be possible for some of the children we work with. You describe the need to proactively take on challenges. The challenges that a child with special needs faces on a daily basis can be immense. What should teachers keep in mind when developing and adapting their curriculum to promoting this important skill?
Thank you for presenting this challenge for us,
Sincerely,
Cindi Hunt
Response to Cindi
I feel very strongly that all children can learn these skills. Children with special needs may learn them at different times or in different ways but they are just as essential for them as for any other children.
When a child with special needs is facing the kind of challenges you aptly describe, you can break them smaller steps. When they succeed, you can say, "You did it." I was hard, but you did it!" In that way, you are helping them learn to tackle the challenges in their lives.
I have heard this message from parents and teachers around the country. For example, I was speaking to a group of parents with children on the autism spectrum and they told me that they work on executive function skills. "Our children may be learning these skills when they are older or it may take them longer, but they CAN learn them," they told me.
I agree that we need to
I agree that we need to promote the positive “you can do it" mindset. This would promote the "growth" mindset describe in chapter 6. I also appreciate the way you state that these essential skills can be learned at any age. As a coach, itinerant special ed. teacher and a teacher trainer I am looking for suggestions to move those (adults) who may have the "fixed" mindset to be more efficacious in their practice so in turn they can be more inclusive of children with special needs and promote the "You can do it" philosophy as you talked about. The philosophy feels so nebulous; I suppose I was looking explicit strategies to guide teachers in facing their challenges in order to teach young children to face them as well.
Response to Cindi again
Thanks for your comments. I would be delighted to suggest specific strategies to specific challenges. Send them to me.
There is one key issue. In the book (as well as in the training materials we have developed from the book), we begin every session on the ADULTS (families/teachers/ etc.) because we feel strongly that adults need to work on these skills in themselves as a prelude to fostering them in children.
For example, with Taking on Challenges—we ask the adults to think of a time they were stressed and how they handled it. Then we ask them to think of a time when they coped with stress in a way that helped them learn to take on challenges and we cull the lessons learned. Finally, we ask the adults to think of a child, perhaps a child who is having trouble learning to take on challenges. We ask the adults to develop specific strategies to promote the skill with this child. We give each other feedback and the adults then try out their strategies and report back. All the while, we are making lists of lessons learned. Perhaps this approach would help teachers in your work with them. Thanks for all you do!
Kindergarten Stress
My 5 year old twin girl began Kindergarten with her brother this Fall. She has always had a difficult time sitting at an actiity that she does not find interesting. Other activities she deems enjoyable she will sit for long periods of time. Her teacher approached me and sugggested that she be moved to the Jr. Kindergarten program to try it out. The reason being that she would be less frusterated and have more success in that class. Her small motor contol is a bit behind her peers. She also is not completing her center time work independently in an acceptable amount on time. She has been in JK for one week. I am very distressed at the move and it's compounded by the long term effects of being a twin seperated in grade level from her brother. How can we help her to over come the challenge of not being able to work independently. I would also like to add that there are only 10 children in her class.
Response to Michelle
Whether this is a good idea or not, I think it is important to recognize that your response to the situation will color your daughter's and your son's views. Children are very adept at reading our faces and our emotions, so think what you want them to feel about this and be very intentional about your non-verbal communication.
Have you had your daughter seen by someone who can help you understand your daughter's situation better? It may just be the fact that children develop at different rates.
I suspect that ultimately your twins will be separated into different classes. It is essential that no one feel that this is a stigma, an indictment of your daughter. If she comes to see herself as lagging behind her brother, that is a problem. Rather you want each of them to feel that each is unique and special.
It takes children a long time to learn to work independently so see this as something you will help your children learn not just in JK or K but throughout their lives. Have them set goals for what they are going to do and make these goals DOABLE and not pressured: "I am going to help with dinner by putting the forks on the table." That is a self-selected goal. When she (or he) achieves the goal, comment on the child's effort or strategy NOT personality. The research of Carol Dweck makes it clear that children are more likely to learn to deal with stress and take on challenges when they are praised for their efforts (you worked hard), their strategies (you put each fork on the right side of the placemat), not seemingly inborn characteristic (you are smart). Tell your daughter that she is learning to set goals and then follow through and she should feel proud of herself.
As for the school situation, can you find someone in the school to help you think about the placement and either make a change or live with it positively? Again, your response will affect your children's response. I wish you the best...I have been in similar situations myself!
Autonomy Vs. Shame and Doubt: Beginning To Build Self Control
Hi Ellen,
My pre-service teachers interested in being infant/toddler teachers are constantly confused about how best to instill a sense of autonomy in two years olds. They want to use more authoritative approaches to positively influencing these children but, instead, see parents focused on more controlling/authoritarian approach to dealing with them. How can infant/toddler teachers go about building a sense of self-control with their toddlers even when the parents are doing things that somewhat short circuit those efforts?
Thanks so Much For Your Input,
Reggie:)
Reponse to Reggie
This is the perennial dilemma..to what extent do we as teachers support what parents do or not?
My suggestion is that you begin with your pre-service staff and do the following exercise. Ask them to remember a time when someone wanted them to do something but asked in a way that made them NOT want to do it. Then ask them to remember a time when the reverse happened: they were asked in a way where they wanted to cooperate. You can have them divide into groups of twos or threes to do this exercise.
Then summarize what they have learned about what engenders cooperation. Very likely, it will be that they were repeated with respect—that the approach was more authoritarian. You can indicate that teaching self control is the same. Children are more likely to learn self control with this approach than when they do something when they are told to do it because I said so. Giving children reasons and showing them the impact of their behavior on others, studies find, lead to more cooperation.
You can repeat this kind of exercise with parents too. You need to be respectful of cultural differences of course, so that needs to be part of the discussion.
First hand experience is always the best teacher! And I love your making the connection between Erikson and self control! Let me know how it goes.
QUESTION ABOUT MY 3 YEAR OLD
IM A SINGLE PARENT, AND MY 3 YEAR OLD SEEMS LIKE HE IS SEEKING THAT FATHERLY FIGURE, HOW CAN I HELP MY SON COPE AND UNDERSTAND THE FACT THAT THERE WONT BE A MALE FIGURE FOR HIM, IT SEEMS LIKE THE MORE I TRY TO BE THERE FOR HIM, THE MORE HE AVOIDS ME.
Response to Jeanette Gil
It is understandable that you want to provide a "father" figure, but instead I suggest that you look for men who can be older friends or "uncles" to your son, rather than a father figure. Having adults men—and women—in his life will be important so he gets to know other people and how they think and feel. This will help him with what I call the skill of Perspective Taking.
One of the lessons in helping children Take on Challenges is not to try to 'fix" things, but to help them learn how to begin to fix them themselves. So if he likes a particular adult (a parent of a friend, a relative, etc.) tell him that you will invite that person to do something with you all. That ways he is truly learning to learn to address challenges.
I am not sure what to say about why he might be avoiding you when you are trying to be there for him. I suggest you step back and analyze what is happening in those situations. When does he come to you and when does he pull away? Then do more of the things that draw you together. Of course, pulling away is a normal part of children's growing up too so try not to take it personally. He is telling you that he is becoming more independent!